So our 12 week appointment was this past Tuesday. We went in, began the routine, and the heaviest thing on my shoulders was the hesitation to step on the scale. When the doctor went to listen to the baby's heartbeat and couldn't find it, however, I no longer cared about how much I weighed. My heart kept whispering to the baby, "come on, baby, let mommy hear you". Finally the doctor decided we needed to do an ultrasound. When we got settled and our baby was on the screen, my mom and sister and Danny by my side, the technician and doctor informed us that the computer was not picking up any cardiac activity. We could also all see that the baby wasn't moving at all either (which is abnormal - by the 12th week, fetal movement should be highly visible). We were sent to another facility to get a second ultrasound with a more detailed and sensitive machine, which showed the same results - we had lost our baby.
As we sat in the waiting room, a million things ran through my head. Well, to back it up a little further, when we parked in the garage at the second facility, I heard God telling me to stop crying and that everything was going to be okay. Of course I took this and ran with it. Basically, in my mind, "okay" meant that I was going to go in and see the baby moving with a strong heartbeat, and we would all go home happy and still able to skip merrily through life, trusting in God.
The hardest thing in the world is to trust God when things go horribly wrong. I cried most of Tuesday, a lot of Tuesday night, and quite a bit on Wednesday. Today I went in to have a D&C done (look it up for more info). At first, my firm decision was to let nature run its course. The doctor and my family, however, urged me to have the procedure done. After picturing myself at home alone and "it" happening, I quickly decided to have the D&C done as soon as possible (which, again, ended up being today).
It's all been very weird and very emotional - but mostly its all just been exhausting and confusing. One of the most confusing and hardest things to think on has been this: it's all wonderful and somewhat comforting to hear that, yes, God had a purpose for this and that, yes, it's better this way than for it to happen another way (like to be stillborn, or die shortly after birth), but this is how my mind works.... I sit back and go "wait....You are GOD!!!! You could've reached down, touched this baby, and made it all okay. Even after the first ultrasound, You could've breathed into that baby, and made it all disappear, made the baby wake up, made the heart beat, made her dance so that we could see her moving....WHY DIDN'T YOU???"
And my parents are right when they tell me that none of us know the answer, and we may never know the answer. It's not apparent why some people go along and have a great pregnancy, healthy baby, and never miscarry in their lives - and why others feel robbed of that chance from the very beginning. There are women out there who are blessed so much to have child after child...some of those women also either have abortion after abortion, or abandon and neglect their children one after the other. Then there are some women who will never be able to conceive a healthy child on their own, and yet we all see what wonderful mothers they would be. And only God knows why these things happen. I trust and choose to believe that this is not the beginning of a pattern in my lifetime. I truly believe that Danny and I will go on to have beautiful children for the Lord - we are young and have so many years ahead of us. My heart goes out to those families that have been trying for years with no success. And not being able to see the future, I also say (both hesitatingly and painfully) that should Danny and I become one of those couples...
One of the scriptures I was reminded of yesterday as I sat in the waiting room for the second ultrasound was the story of Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego. When faced with death by incineration, they believed their God would save them...but they also chose to stand and say "but even if He doesn't, He is still our God, and we will still serve Him alone" (paraphrased, Daniel 3).
I believe that the Lord will bless us with children. But even if He does not, He is still God. Even if I don't have the answers to everything, He is still God. He never promised that I would fully understand things. (In fact, he promised the opposite.) He never told me that my definition of what is "good" would be His definition of "good", or that my will would match up to His sovereign will. I'll end on a part of this song I've heard a few times in the past that goes (something) like this..."[He] never told me the road would be easy, but I don't believe He's brought me this far to leave me."
As we sat in the waiting room, a million things ran through my head. Well, to back it up a little further, when we parked in the garage at the second facility, I heard God telling me to stop crying and that everything was going to be okay. Of course I took this and ran with it. Basically, in my mind, "okay" meant that I was going to go in and see the baby moving with a strong heartbeat, and we would all go home happy and still able to skip merrily through life, trusting in God.
The hardest thing in the world is to trust God when things go horribly wrong. I cried most of Tuesday, a lot of Tuesday night, and quite a bit on Wednesday. Today I went in to have a D&C done (look it up for more info). At first, my firm decision was to let nature run its course. The doctor and my family, however, urged me to have the procedure done. After picturing myself at home alone and "it" happening, I quickly decided to have the D&C done as soon as possible (which, again, ended up being today).
It's all been very weird and very emotional - but mostly its all just been exhausting and confusing. One of the most confusing and hardest things to think on has been this: it's all wonderful and somewhat comforting to hear that, yes, God had a purpose for this and that, yes, it's better this way than for it to happen another way (like to be stillborn, or die shortly after birth), but this is how my mind works.... I sit back and go "wait....You are GOD!!!! You could've reached down, touched this baby, and made it all okay. Even after the first ultrasound, You could've breathed into that baby, and made it all disappear, made the baby wake up, made the heart beat, made her dance so that we could see her moving....WHY DIDN'T YOU???"
And my parents are right when they tell me that none of us know the answer, and we may never know the answer. It's not apparent why some people go along and have a great pregnancy, healthy baby, and never miscarry in their lives - and why others feel robbed of that chance from the very beginning. There are women out there who are blessed so much to have child after child...some of those women also either have abortion after abortion, or abandon and neglect their children one after the other. Then there are some women who will never be able to conceive a healthy child on their own, and yet we all see what wonderful mothers they would be. And only God knows why these things happen. I trust and choose to believe that this is not the beginning of a pattern in my lifetime. I truly believe that Danny and I will go on to have beautiful children for the Lord - we are young and have so many years ahead of us. My heart goes out to those families that have been trying for years with no success. And not being able to see the future, I also say (both hesitatingly and painfully) that should Danny and I become one of those couples...
One of the scriptures I was reminded of yesterday as I sat in the waiting room for the second ultrasound was the story of Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego. When faced with death by incineration, they believed their God would save them...but they also chose to stand and say "but even if He doesn't, He is still our God, and we will still serve Him alone" (paraphrased, Daniel 3).
I believe that the Lord will bless us with children. But even if He does not, He is still God. Even if I don't have the answers to everything, He is still God. He never promised that I would fully understand things. (In fact, he promised the opposite.) He never told me that my definition of what is "good" would be His definition of "good", or that my will would match up to His sovereign will. I'll end on a part of this song I've heard a few times in the past that goes (something) like this..."[He] never told me the road would be easy, but I don't believe He's brought me this far to leave me."
1 comment:
Ali -how are you? Will you continue to update?
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